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it's nothing to do with fitting in. The whole reason why I rarely have anything to say about butch/femme is because in me it's immutable. It just is. And if you really want to talk about pressure, well, we can start with the expectations I grew up with as first born daughter in a traditional Chinese family. Any weirdness I experienced coming out in a largely androgynous lesbian community paled in comparison. I am not bringing this up as a means of discounting social pressure. But I am saying there are people like me who are decidedly bent that way, and no force in the universe was going to stop me from growing up butch. To this day, I'm mystified as to the big deal from those who don't resonate with butch and femme needing to keep saying how limiting they are, whether with a modifier like "for me", or just needing to say they're limiting, period. If it doesn't apply to you, alright then, move along. But after a time, when does it become thou doth protest too much? In the french bistro I once worked in, our ethnic breakdown was typical of most kitchens in the US: whiteboys cooking on the line, str8 gals in pastry and front of the house, and Mexican dishwashers, plus me pushing out the curve a bit. One of the dishwashers was an older guy who'd been doing this for decades. Whenever he had to get by someone with an armload of stuff, it was always "Excuse me, señor.", or "Excuse me, señorita.". For my first months, he always ed me señor. I didn't care, because I don't care which pronouns people use for me. Either set is close enough, just don't be an ass about it. Well, one of the servers overheard him, and explained to him I was a mujer, not a hombre. He turned really red, and started ing me señorita instead. A little weird, but again, whatever. days later, of his own accord, he went back to ing me señor, and it stayed that way for the two years I was there. Imperfect language, sure. But no less an immutable gender expression.

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